Sit in the mundane season that life is showing you, and don’t judge yourself for its presence. – Alexis Bean
I’m in my head 24/7 and although it feels like the safest place that I’ve ever known, it bothers me to no end. I have lived my entire life addicted to the thrill of achievement and have had a competitive nature that has proven to be extremely beneficial throughout my life thus far. But as I continue to settle into my adulthood and into my latest decade, I question if this place has ever truly been safe. Or if it’s simply been a temporary hideout.
I never really did a “welcome to my thirties” post and that is truly unlike me. Shame! Just kidding…I actually tried to write one but I suppose the words aren’t so believable if I’d only been in the club for a few minutes. I won’t call myself a seasoned member quite yet but at least we’ve passed the probation period. There’s literally no turning back. So I think I might call this my ‘welcome to the decade’ piece.
2022 was a year of undeniable blessings. Picture this: a promotion at a company you love, your podcast claiming the title of ‘Best of Bermuda’, and you launch your very first book, a guided memory journal dedicated to your mom, for people to cherish the lives and memories of loved ones who have died. Wow girl, I’m speechless just after writing that. Like, I almost want to take a break but I’m on a roll…
The past year has been full of incredible highs, but it’s also been filled with numerous moments when I’ve had to look within and unpack some important aspects of myself and my life. I don’t know who’s idea it was to try and grow mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, but it is not easy! *removes from vision board* I’m incredibly proud of all of my achievements, but the truth is that I’m exhausted. And the truth is, me writing this post is probably the first time that I’ve acknowledged everything that I’ve done throughout the past year and proclaimed them as achievements. Even the strides that I’ve made with my internal growth. But why is that? Well, one guess is that it’s so loud in my head so I never stopped to properly congratulate myself on everything. Although I’m extremely proud, I’m also my own biggest critic. And another reason could be that I haven’t stopped trying to achieve the next great thing and feel the incredible high that it brings. And my final guess is that I might be fearful of what it’s like to do none of the above and be open to something unfamiliar.
Striving to “be my best self” has been in the blueprint for my entire life. And with the introduction of Big Girl Panties, facing grief and loss and what that looks like has been in the blueprint over the past 10+ years. These are two subjects that are engrained in me and part of who I am. And as much as I wish that I could still have my mom with me, or that I never experienced any great heartbreak or loss, I don’t regret who I have become as a result. However, there’s a new elephant in the room for me to try and face. And her name is me.
I’m in a new season of unfamiliar territory. A period of calm, of rest, and uncertainty. What does life look like when I’m not striving after the next best thing? What does life look like when my soul is not broken and I’m not crippled with grief? It’s a little scary and a little nerve wracking. How long will this period last and will God come and pull the rug from underneath my feet? Is there a next high or a next low coming unexpectedly?
What we do in idle moments is equally as impressive as any other. And this is a new season of exploration in what it means to Put On Your Big Girl Panties.
Wish me luck.
Xoxo,
Lex